Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
