And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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