okay pat passed out under dana's car
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
