Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
