Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize