My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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