A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
