Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
He felt like a one man threesome
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My vagina just recognized that song.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Randomize
