I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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