arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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