so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
