Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
