the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
