if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
