whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize