It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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