Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
