I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
