how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
