Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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