I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
