remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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