Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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