i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
