Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize