I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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