my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
