I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize