i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You left your phone here
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