I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
