My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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