Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
