I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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