i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
