I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
