my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
