He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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