Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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