I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
