sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
