Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
