Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The uberlube is also flammable
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
