Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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