fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
