yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Randomize
