oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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