we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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