WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
