you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
