One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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