Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
