This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
