i permit you to call me
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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