I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
