Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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