I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
