When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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